changes

I find myself silent as I'm screaming inside, oh damn you all, just realize what I'm going through. He's finally gone, in Kansas for some time, it will give me a rest from the stress he lays upon my shoulders. Mother is fine, though she seems to be regressing a bit, acting as though she were 10 or so. I don't know what's caused it. Sometimes I feel like the adult when she's acting out, all though other times she is just my every-day caring mother, a completely other person. I race around, busying myself as much as possible so that I won't have to think about the fact that it has all started and soon there will only be one left. And sometimes I feel as though I've already lost him, for I fall into the shadows whenever she comes about. I work hard at my job, and hard in my home, and I when I'm not working hard at something, I cannot sit still and I must be acting on some sort of thought or notion. I took as large of a schedule as possible for next fall, and I will be keeping my job as well so that I will rarely have time to sit and think of all that will have happened by then. Except at nights. Those are the times I cannot escape, when I am sitting sleepless in my room with nothing to busy myself with doing. I feel as though I was given the gift of true friends, only to have the snatched up just as soon as I realized how much they all mean to me. My biggest fear is that they never really saw me for who I am, or even really cared. I'm so scared that they will all forget me the day we say farewell. I don't know who to turn to in these times, I don't know who to trust to understand. There are days I just feel like getting as far away from here as possible, and days that I long to just cry on someone's shoulder. Two more years, is all I keep telling myself. Then I will venture out and find my place in this mad world. I expect nothing to stay the same from here on out. Current commitments will not survive through the storm that is about to descend and tear us all apart. I'm going to go upstairs now...